When she says yes but means no

Dear Lisa,

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few weeks and we’ve both had a lot of partners so we made the decision that we wouldn’t have sex until we’ve been together for two months to make it special. Sometimes when we’re making out, though, she is pulling at me and taking off my clothes, telling me she wants me. It makes me crazy, and it feels like she has changed her mind.

The other night I looked into her eyes and asked if she’s sure, she said ‘yes… please… yes’ (I’m not kidding) and so I took off the rest of her clothes, took her in my arms and started to press myself toward her. And wham! like a spring, she shot up onto the pillows and started crying saying that she’s not ready and that she really wants to wait.

Please. Tell me what I’m supposed to do.

–Yes Means No (♂ )


Dear Yes Means No,

Unfortunately, changing her mind during foreplay is about as real as changing her mind while she’s drunk. The fact is, you discussed what you were comfortable with beforehand; that she had to jump back and begin to cry tells you that you broke her trust in you as her man.

Woah, right? Here’s how it works: women say yes when they mean no all the time, for the most part, unconsciously. At the beginning of the relationship, in a circumstance such as yours, a woman is going to test how safe she is by letting go of her masculine and sinking more deeply into her feminine.

In this case, your woman told you what she wants from you; she spelled out what she needs to feel safe and loved and you agreed, then during lovemaking she surrendered to you; as in, she released herself from the rational, linear thought of the masculine and handed it over to you so that she could lose herself in the emotional flow of the feminine. She was so surrendered to your masculine that she gave you full freedom to choose whether you would keep your word or not. “In other words,” as David Deida puts it, “she is testing [your] capacity to do what is right, not what she is asking for.” Then, when you chose to do what she asked, she was snapped back into her masculine and had to fight you off.

It seems confusing and unfair but it’s really not. You can’t have both the seductive feminine and the protective masculine in your woman. One of those has to be you.

– Lisa



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