She’s chatting with her ex, do I stick around?

Dear Lisa,

I’ve been dating this girl for about 7 months now, everything has been going smoothly but recently she told me that she feels that shes confused. Here’s why:

Before she started dating me she was with this guy who already had a girlfriend. She got pretty intimate with him and when things got to a certain point, she asked him to choose whether or not he was going to be with her or the other girl. He chose the other girl and then a month later her and I started dating.

Seven months have gone by and now shes telling me that she has been talking to him, he’s broken up with that other girl and feels like he wants to be with her. She then told me that she valued their relationship because it was based off of a already existing friendship. I know that she has some feelings for him, which is okay, you cant control who you love, but I want to know whether or not I should choose to continue to fight for this relationship or break up with her.

(edited for clarity)

–Confused (♂ )


 

Dear Confused,

Thanks for your email. This is a really tough spot to be in – falling in love with a woman who you aren’t sure is reciprocating. If she hasn’t said no to communicating with him but is still with you, my guess is that she is confused too. Either that, or she isn’t telling the whole truth.

Assuming she is telling the truth, is just communicating as friends with him, and there is nothing missing from your relationship (your communication, intimacy and chemistry is still alive and well) then there is nothing wrong with hanging in there.

The only problem is, unless the individual has done a tremendous amount of personal work to deal with why they lie and stray in the first place, people who cheat on their partners or who don’t mind being the secret mister or mistress, usually don’t have a problem doing it again. I’m not sure if their values or just different or they don’t think about the other people involved, but they usually leave a string of broken hearts and relationships in their wake.

I would suggest you get clear on what it is that you want in a relationship (ie whether it’s okay that she’s hanging around with a guy who has made it clear has feelings for her). Then, if the current circumstances don’t match what you decide, sit down with her and lay your needs on the table. Be as neutral as possible, knowing that you don’t want to change her, or force her to be what she’s not.

Don’t settle for a relationship that doesn’t fulfill your needs just because you’re afraid of having nothing. If you stand up for who you need from her, and she’s cant provide that, you will be that much closer to finding a woman who can.

– Lisa

 


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