I read your suggestions about broadening my circle to meet people. But my friends don’t have single men friends they would set me up with. My work and social life doesn’t bring me into contact with single men my age either. I’m in my mid thirties. And most of my interests and hobbies don’t seem to attract men to them, so I’m really stuck. I was thinking about online dating. How do I use the rules as a woman on a dating site? How do I employ this mysterious feminine polarity you speak of online? Should I sit back and wait for them to come to me? How much active connecting should I do online?
–Confused ( ♀ Duncan)
Before I give you my thoughts on online dating, I want to mention that meeting someone can happen anywhere, which takes a little bit of the pressure off of trying to figure out where the men are, and how you are going to put yourself next to them. There are two common circumstances that seem to crop up for women who are having a hard time attracting a man into their lives: your ability to radiate feminine energy and the space in your life for the masculine.
First and foremost you need to concern yourself with radiating your feminine as brightly as you can – by first recognizing the tension in your body. Every time you remember, take a deep breath (or three), relax your face, neck, throat, chest and belly. Sink into your body toward your toes, feeling full and settled in the pelvis, and then smile. Reinforce this practice by doing things to make you feel radiant: rub your body with delicious smelling oil in the morning, wear beautiful lingerie, wear the fabrics that make you feel soft, flexible and graceful, accent with jewelry – especially the kind that make a little sound when you move. Remind yourself that you are a woman, first for yourself and then because the radiant feminine being is irresistible to the masculine. You’ll find I go into a little bit more detail on this topic in my latest podcast ‘Am I Too Masculine?’.
Next, take a look at where the masculine qualities of a man would fit into your life – protection, organization, rationality, linear thinking, containment, etc. First, by noticing how you provide these for yourself, and second by imagining how you might want a man to offer these qualities to you – how it would feel feel, and should feel in your mind to be contained by the masculine.
Then, rather than finding someone to introduce you to a man, put yourself in the public eye. Walk at lunch, take yourself and a good book for coffee on sundays, go to the library workshops and talks, become a regular somewhere – a book store, a café, an open mic night; have girls nights in places where men are around – restaurants, pubs, skating rinks, hotel lounges! Make it your mission to feel as radiant as possible in all situations instead of trying to find a man, and a man will find you.
Okay, now that I’ve got that out of my system! There is nothing wrong with putting yourself out there in lots of different ways to increase your chances of meeting someone you connect with, including online dating. So, to answer your questions (finally) the rules definitely apply on a dating site. Which, in short, means that you don’t do anything except find a flattering picture of your (radiant) self and write a profile that lets a man know enough about you to get an idea of who you are and what you are looking for. Then, forget about it. Don’t answer canned messages (for example – ‘hi!’, ‘hey, what are you doing?’) instead, wait for messages that reference your profile or mutual interest. Here’s a short list of the basics:
- He has to message you first (don’t do anything to draw attention to yourself other than posting an attractive photo)
- His message must contain questions that prompt you to answer, you are not to carry the conversation yourself.
- He must move the relationship forward – ask for your email, your number, a date, whatever
- He should move the relationship forward within the first 3 reciprocal messages.
- Avoid hanging out on the chat app – you have, or need to find, better things to do with your time
If you haven’t already, I suggest that you pick up ‘Not Your Mother’s Rules‘, the latest book in The Rules series, that expressly addresses questions related to online dating, texting and social media.
Let me know if you need any clarification,