No physical affection?

Dear Lisa,

In the past couple of years the men who asked me out were sexually aggressive, and some eventually admitted they were sex addicts. These guys weren’t into me and would stop calling me. Now, something different is happening. I’ve gone on 3 dates with a man and he doesn’t touch me. We’ve talked, gone to movies/dinners, walked along the ocean. He opens doors for me, calls me up, but no kiss, not even a hug.

–Goodbye Kiss ( ♀ Victoria)


Dear Goodbye Kiss,

The speed at which we become sexual, or at which others are sexual with us can be analyzed to death, but what it really comes down to is connection. In our society, women typically connect through sophisticated attention, whereas men connect through sex.

For example, when in a relationship, do you notice that you have a harder time being sexual if you don’t feel like you have been paid enough attention? And does it seem like your man is more connected emotionally once he is in the vulnerable state of sexuality? This points to the idea that our ability to maintain connection in a relationship is through a dance of sex and attention.

Now, because women typically connect through attention, and men through sex, this dance is convoluted by another idea: that sexual women are sluts and emotional men are gay which leads to the polar opposite: women use sex to get attention, and men use emotional manipulation to get sex. Confusing, yes?

The truth of the matter is that there is a difference between the connotations of woman and feminine / man and masculine. Woman and man are derived from the sexual parts we are born with, where both femininity and masculinity lie in both women and men. Think of it like a spectrum, with whole masculinity on one end, and whole femininity on the other.

What does this have to do with your situation? Well, perhaps when this man is with you, he is driven more by his femininity than his masculinity, and prefers to have the emotional connection before he gets sexual? And perhaps when you are with him, you respond to his lack of masculinity by filling in the masculine role, where you want to be sexual, rather than spend so much time in the attention? All relationships work this way to a certain extent; the masculinity and femininity of each person fitting like puzzle pieces together.

This would also explain your feeling when you are with the uber masculine who appears to you to be over sexual. Perhaps you would be better with someone who is a little more masculine than your current date, and less masculine than the others you have dated. You will know it when you hit the perfect balance for your own place on the femininity spectrum. The dance will be inexhaustible.

Revel in the search,

– Lisa



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