I am currently dating a guy (H). I do love him but I don’t see us going anywhere and he would be so sad if I break up with him. When me and my ex (V) broke up he told me to wait and he would come back but I thought it would never happen. So I started dating (H). But, it’s been almost a year and my ex has come back and he really loves me and wants to get back together. And I want to get back with him. But he doesn’t know I’m dating. What should I do?
–Sonia ( ♀ Nanaimo)
Thanks for your email. I can appreciate how sticky this situation feels! Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of it.
First of all, I want you to tune into where you are at. You are going through a lot of big changes right now, what do you need to feel like a whole and complete woman right now? Are you exercising, sleeping right, eating well, spending time with girlfriends and family? If not, get that in order, or get the support to do so. The best decisions are made when we feel that we are worth the consideration, and how much you’re worth is directly related to how you feel about yourself.
Next, I would focus on the situation with (H). Ask yourself how do you really feel about him and how can you be completely true to your heart? Does that mean breaking up? If so, I get that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, but you aren’t protecting him by delaying the inevitable. Break-ups are painful. It’s just a shot in the dark, but my guess is that you are a little afraid of what it will do to you to see him grieving the relationship; that you’ll lose a friend or that you’ll be a bad person. The risk of losing him for a while is worth being true to yourself, trust me! And being true to yourself doesn’t make you a bad person.
As far as your (V) is concerned, I don’t know the circumstances of your breakup, nor why he’s suddenly resurfaced, but I wouldn’t jump into anything too quickly. I would seriously consider how you really feel about him. Get in touch with whether you have questions about the past year. Do you feel you can trust him? Do you harbor any resentment, jealousy, fear, anger that you will need to address with him? The fact that you’ve been dating is really none of his concern, and if he is a healthy individual, shouldn’t effect how he feels about you. What matters is that he wants to be with you, and he needs to be ready to own everything he needs to in order to have you.
If you choose to break things off with (H) I would play strictly by The Rules with (V), as if you had never dated/slept together etc. That means no pursuing him – if he truly wants to be with you, he needs to feel that every step of the way, and so do you. If it were me, I would wait 4 weeks (or longer) before even considering anything serious with him… and believe me, if he wants you, he will be willing to do the work. The main point here is that you become very aware of the relationship between (V)’s words and his actions. Is he doing what he says – toward you, toward himself and toward his purpose – or are they not consistent with each other?
Be very honest with yourself right now, Sonia. I realize you are in a sticky situation, but you are equipped to deal with this. Watch and listen very carefully and your intuition won’t steer you wrong.
Keep in touch about how things unfold,