My Ex Wants Me Back But I’m Already Dating Somebody Else

Dear Lisa,

I’m very conflicted. I was seeing a man about a month ago and there was very large single miscommunication between us which led to our splitting. He was quite a bit older, had a child, and a busy job, very attractive physically. Not to mention, our chemistry was amazing, we enjoyed similar things, had the same outlook on life and topics, we had a lot of fun together and I saw potential with him despite age. We also had a rule that if we were sleeping together, weren’t pursuing or sleeping with other people. I haven’t really stopped thinking about him since we ended really because I didn’t understand what happened as there were so many empty spots.

I recently started seeing someone new as I thought I’d never hear from guy #1 again. This guy is only a year older than me, no kids, our goals,values, hopes and dreams all line up from what I know so far. He’s not as physically attractive to me but his personality makes up in a lot of ways. In an ideal world he’s perfect. It’s new so we’ve only been on two dates (haven’t even kissed because he told me he was shy after the second date let alone anything else). So I don’t know how that chemistry is as of yet.

Last night I left a date with guy #2 only to have guy #1 call me later that night and want to clear the air about everything that happened. As it would it seem there was a big miscommunication between us and the feelings are there and we want to see each other again. However if I pursue this we have our rule.

So my question is: How do I choose between the two? Guy #1 has everything I want but has also lived a life before me. Guy #2 has the potential to be something really great and wants to experience all these things.

Help?

–Out With The Old ( ♀ Victoria)


 

Dear Out With The Old,

The first thing that strikes me about your letter is that with Guy #1, you split after a ‘very large single miscommunication’, and from the sounds of it, he made the decision to split. I can imagine that a hasty decision like that on his part might make you question how safe it would be to jump right back in. I think it’s great that he wants to talk about it, and that he had the courage to give you a call. I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t consider repairing your relationship, especially if you still think about him.

However, I would recommend renegotiating your commitment to each other, and continuing to see Guy #2. Guy #1 was quick to make his exit, and in order for you to feel secure in the relationship, trust will need to be rebuilt – from the beginning. I suggest that you let him know that you would love to talk, and if the talk goes well and he wants to get back together, let him know that you have feelings for him, but that you aren’t sure at this point that you want to jump right back in. You could say that you would like some time to rebuild the trust and goodwill between you two, and to do that, you’d like to back things up a little – date for a while and see how things go. Not only will it build trust between you, but it sends a clear message that you aren’t interested in ‘on again, off again’ relationships.

I am a real advocate for dating, in the sense of seeing more than one person at a time, until it really feels right to commit to the relationship. Seeing more than one person at a time helps both individuals keep the relationship from getting ahead of itself in a moment of passion, and it provides a comparison point for how your needs are met by the relationship, both of which are important if you tend to rush into things when the intoxicating scent of love is in the air!

I’d love to hear what you decide,

– Lisa

 


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