Losing Interest in Lovers

Dear Lisa,

I have a pattern of dating around a lot and seem to constantly find myself hooking up with people I’m not all that interested in. At first, they intrigue me, but my curiosities about them don’t last for long. Usually, I’ll end up sleeping with them, then realize that I’m not interested in them.

I’ve wondered whether one way of resolving this is by being clear with people that I may only want sex. The trouble is that I’m not always sure that I’m only after the sex, since I’m also looking for connection.

I have a feeling that I’ve broken a few hearts by acting this way, and I don’t want to keep doing that. I’m wondering if you have any insight into why I’ve been acting this way and some other possible ways of acting. On one hand, I enjoy meeting new people and connecting with them, but it can also take up a lot of energy to keep going through the process of getting interested, then realizing my interest has faded (and having to tell someone you’re not into it isn’t all that fun).

–Impulse Dater ( ♀ Victoria)


Dear Impulse Dater,

Your situation is a common one. My suggestion is being honest with your intentions right away. If you just want to have great sex with someone, then tell them! Let them know that you enjoy your time together and that you are looking for someone who is comfortable with you seeing other people. If they aren’t, you need to respect their wishes and move on or you are asking for complications.

To find connection try to figure out how long it takes you to honestly judge your interest in the person and wait that long to have sex, that way your genuine interest doesn’t get a chance to mingle too much with the hormone cascade of intimacy. You might also consider looking into polyamory, that is dating others who are interested in connecting deeply with more than one partner. Love doesn’t always have to fit into the traditional box we’ve made for it!

– Lisa



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