Is she playing me?

Dear Lisa,

While helping my buddy move, I decided to take a break and hit up the Starbucks around the corner. I order my coffee and sandwich and sat outside in the sun.

I walked up to a table one seat away from an attractive girl. I said nothing as I ate my sandwich, but couldn’t help but notice she was playing with her hair and looking my way. I finished my sandwich got up and walked inside.

When I returned with a glass of water, I sat back down looked straight at her and asked: enjoying the sun? She smiled. I talked; she laughed. The conversation was effortless. It rolled like water. I was surprised. Then there was an interruption.

Her friend came by expressing how sorry she was for being late. It must have well over 20 min because that is how long I was there and she was waiting when I got there. Her friend said, I’m so sorry. Let me buy you lunch. At this stage, I sipped my coffee and waited without expectation. Her friend said let’s go, she suggested eating at Starbucks. The friend said “no, sushi’s right next door.” She agreed.

Before she left, I expected her to say bye and She did. Then, in front of her friend, I said “it was a nice to meet you. I’d like to get to know you better.”

I repeated in a slow tone (trailing off as I stared into sunglasses (wish I could have seen her eyes) “I’d like to get to know you better” and then continued:

Me: Do you come here often?
Her: No, not after I move. Do you have a phone?
Me: Not with me, what’s your number, I’ll remember.
She told me and reiterated her name to me. A good sign, I think.

I spent the few days moving. I met her on a Sunday. By the time I finished my business it was Wednesday and I called. No answer I left a message, and judging by the voicemail, I remembered right. Friday rolls around, no return call. Maybe she didn’t get the message? I sent a teaser text, y’know…”Hey [insert her name here], this is your newest and coolest [enter ethic background] friend, [my name]. Since you are wayyy to shy to call, text me. Oh snap!”


Sunday, I run 10K with 13000 others. Nothing. Why? Why flirt? Ok it’s fun, I get it. Why give me signals? IE: play with your hair, check me out? Ok getting attention is flattering… I get that. why suggest taking her number, then give me a real phone number, reiterate your name to me once I memorize it. But after all that… No call back? No return text? Why? Is she playing me? Do tell.

There is really nothing I can do. ball is in her court, eh. The only thing I can think of is to be persistent and say if you want to me to stop say so. But that’s boarding on creepy. And my nature isn’t such. This happened to me again two weeks ago. Am I not creating enough attraction in the onset? Are these ladies being fickle? What going on here?

By the way, I just found your site and am considering your services. Tell me is this sort of thing within your area?

–Confused Call (♂ )


Dear Confused Call,

You really did do everything you could – you asked for her number, checked in via text and then left it up to her. Not a bad recipe if you ask me.

Two things you might have done differently: one, never leave the ball in her court – don’t leave a message, don’t text. Keep calling her back instead. Two, in the text, you might have left her with some sort of question that gives her something to say, such as ‘tell me your top two coffee spots’ which, if she responded you could ask ‘great, I’ve never been to… when can I take you there?’ In this case though, I’m not sure she would have responded regardless. Generally, IF a woman is interested, and IF she isn’t nervous about some part of an interaction, she will call back.

I think the point here is not whether she responded/responds, but your perspective on the situation. You did exactly what you needed to do to close, and you got her number. But, you are maybe a little too attached to what happens after that. I suggest that you enjoy your ability to interact with woman and do it frequently. Ideally you don’t get attached to how things are going with the women you interact with, instead you remain locked on whatever it is you focus on (what I call your decided ‘purpose’ for that time) and let her move around you.

Here’s how it could look: You are doing your thing – whether that is moving your friend, focusing on your work, creating, building a life etc – this is your focus and is the most important part of your life. Then you meet a woman at a coffee shop, you have an interaction, you want to get to know her, you get her number. You go back to doing your thing. When you get home that night, you remember this number. You call it and she doesn’t answer. You hang up and go back to what you do. Your mom needs you to get her garden ready for spring, so you go and do that for a day or so. One of those evenings you meet a woman at a BBQ at a friends, you get her number. The next day you remember the woman again after you call the second woman. So, you call her too. She doesn’t answer and you forget about her or put her on the back burner. Then go back to what you do. Eventually you find yourself on the 4th or 5th date with a woman that drifts through your mind more than once per day. You make the decision to include time focused on her in between focusing on what you do.

The point is that doing what you ‘do’ is where you derive your sense of purpose, accomplishment and success in the world. This should not extend into your relationships with women as ‘getting that date’ or ‘getting that kiss’ or ‘getting laid’ or otherwise. Women are feminine, and if they feel any sense that you are looking to accomplish something with them, they will challenge it. Do what you do 100% and relax your attachment to results with women.

Let me know how it goes!

– Lisa



Leave a Reply