Is he worth the wait?

Dear Lisa,

Lisa,

I am a twenty-two years young woman who has dated a number of guys I can count on both hands, also having a lot of experience. However, I am currently stuck between a rock and hard place. You see, I met this wonderful Realtor back in December of this past year. We hit it off like neither of us had ever been with anyone else. Our chemistry is so warm and true, and I have fallen in love with him. I have never fallen in love with someone before him, so you can imagine how hard it is for me to say that he ended things with me. Why, you may ask? Well, Lisa, (we’ll call my love interest Andy) is a Realtor. He doesn’t have time for a relationship. Everything fell apart when his business called for him more than before. This is a critical time for him, because it’s his business and he’s doing it alone. He’s the same age as me. He tells me that it’s not about me, and he “never says forever”, as in the end of us.
I know what you’re thinking: don’t wait around for someone, you’re wasting your time…
But, I have this wrenching feeling in my heart/gut that I can’t let go of. I can’t let him go!! Is it hopeless to wait for him?

To add to this, my ex (we’ll call him Jamison) has come back to me. It is almost like he’s emotionally “fostering” me, until something else happens with Andy, or someone else.
I truly do not want to be “that’ girl who goes back and forth from guy to guy, but I’m so confused! I want to be with Andy, but Jamison is here for me. He’s emotionally supportive, and cares about what’s going on. I’m not in love with Jamison, but he is with me. It’s not helping my situation.

Any help is appreciated!! Thank you.

–Careful in the Carolinas ( ♀ Carolinas, USA)


 

Dear Careful in the Carolinas,

I can appreciate how terribly difficult your situation must feel; you are standing in complete uncertainty without any control (over his feelings, his actions, your feelings…)! It is important to remember as you go through it that it is natural to feel the urge to do something to create some certainty, security and stability, but that in the end, you will have to feel the feelings you have for Andy.

In this vein, it is good to be curious about weather Jamison is a way to avoid your feelings and the pain of not knowing? Trust your gut with this, and do your best not to lead him toward you unless you are sure that he is who you really want.

If you do feel more strongly that Andy is who you want, there is nothing wrong with waiting. My partner needed some space many years ago, before we committed. I loved him, so I gave it to him and it was one of the hardest things I’d done! (We were apart for nearly 4 months) Remember though, that there is a difference between waiting and pining. You must live your life, go about your days spending time with friends, moving your body, eating good food, dating when it feels right. To spend all of your time hoping for him to contact you or want you back is a waste if your precious life (not to mention that he’s attracted to you for being you!)

An indication that he is truly waiting for you too is that he still treats you the same – does he check in on you? does he still email/text/call with the same depth as before? does he still want to be around you, even if he is restrained? Of course, all of these actions must come from him rather than because of some provocation from you. Let him contact you and check on you; show him you’re happy about it, but don’t chase – it will only make him feel that you don’t respect his need for space.

As for how long to wait, if he hasn’t changed how much attention he gives you and your position in his life, and you are comfortable, you might be okay with giving him the amount of time that he needs. At a certain point through, you will start to feel a little held back or maybe resentful, and when you do, it might be time to let him go.

Let me know how things are going – waiting can be hard, but worth it!

– Lisa

 


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