I want more sex that we’re having

Dear Lisa,

I have a contented relationship but not much sex. I am looking for more in this area of my life.. How do I negotiate this without hurting my partner?

–Mandrake (♂ Duncan)


Dear Mandrake,

I’m going to answer your question in a round about sort of way because sex isn’t actually about sex. Sex is the microcosm of the masculine/feminine polarity macrocosm. So, when I encounter couples where one or both individuals are wanting more sex than they are having the first thing I talk about is the strength of the polarity in the relationship. As I’ve already defined polarity in the article I reference above, I’m going to jump right in to how it effects the sexuality in the couple.

Sex is about trust. Because it’s a taboo topic, because there is a lot of cultural/personal wounding around sexuality, because sex involves nakedness and the penetration of one human by another (or both); opening up sexually while maintaining an intimate connection with your partner is extremely risky. You are both required to be vulnerable and raw not only with your words, thoughts and actions but with your bodies. None of this is going to happen if there isn’t trust.

Trust is a funny thing. Your partner likely trusts you in a practical sense – the ‘I’ve let you see some shitty parts of myself and you haven’t left yet’ kind of trust, which is great. Most relationships that go past six months have built or are working on building that level of trust. Many relationships hover around this level of trust for the rest of the relationship, but there is more to be had, which is where polarity and connection brush up against each other.

For true polarity the feminine needs to be able to trust the masculine to contain her flow of love, and the masculine needs to trust the feminine to give her unbridled love with her whole being. In other words, for true polarity to exist in the relationship, not only do you both have to be comfortable embodying your respective poles, but you must be satisfied and trusting of the others ability to do so. From your short note, I am imagining that you haven’t quite reached this level of trust and polarity with your partner. Here are a few examples of what the feminine looks like when she doesn’t trust the masculine in her partner (which often means she doesn’t trust the feminine in herself either):

  1. She feels one thing and expresses another.
  2. She tells you what’s wrong and how to fix it.
  3. She micromanages you.
  4. She intellectualizes her love for you.
  5. She picks a fight the day of date night.
  6. She asks you if you’re mad, or what you’re thinking.

To deepen the trust between you is to shift the polarity (and therefor the frequency and quality of the sex) in your relationship. If you are noticing it, you are the perfect person in the relationship to take the initiative to light the fire again. However part of this is up to her. As I mentioned in the article on polarity, re-establishing polarity takes both self awareness and a deep connection in the relationship. Here are three things you can do to embody the masculine pole of the relationship more strongly, which will make her feel more safe to express herself in the relationship, and likely more receptive and expressive in bed as well:

  1. Put your purpose first: Whatever it is you are here to do, and the steps it takes to get you there need to come first. You need to get comfortable putting this first, being able to say no, and allowing her to have unbridle her expression of how she feels about your decisions.
  2. Meditate: You need to sit in silence daily. If you can’t sit in silence with yourself, there is something you need to address, and if you need to address something inside, you aren’t going to be fully present with her.
  3. Quality over Quantity: Only spend time with your woman where you are completely focused on her. If you default to the couch at night, watching whatever until bed time, or if your attention is split between her and what you should be doing, stop. It is better to spend a shorter amount of time together where your attention is completely focused on her.

Once you’ve got a grasp on these things, take a look at your sex life. You will notice her taking more risks to let you know what she needs, and becoming more aroused as you read her. This is the point where books such as ‘Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Full Body Sex‘ by Michael Castleman and ‘The Women’s Anatomy of Arousal‘ By Sheri Winston will prove invaluable.

The bottom line of my long winded post is that you are the container for the love that flows in your relationship. The strength of your container is going to be reflected in every element – your communication, your connection, your intimacy, your polarity, and of course your sex life. Don’t fear your strength as the masculine; trust your strength and so will she.

Let me know how this works for you,

– Lisa



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