I started reading Not Your Mother’s Rules last night and I think I am really getting an intrinsic understanding of it all, now it is just a matter of not being impulsive and resisting temptation.
I would like to know if I have screwed up my current crush, possibility for good?? I was reading in Not Your Mother’s Rules that if you make the mistake of talking to/emailing a guy first, you will never know if you were his type. I messaged the guy first on a dating site – does that mean that the relationship would be destined to fail and it is just a matter of when? Or is there a way to back off, create some polarity and purge any bad habits that have been formed by the mistakes that I have made asap? I think you will say to just do the Rules strictly, which of course I plan to make as big of an effort as I can muster, but will the “relationship” always be tainted?
–Rules Girl ( ♀ Duncan)
It sounds as though you know me pretty well! I agree that you are getting an intrinsic understanding of the Rules – they are not necessarily to be taken at face value (as I describe in The Rules Deconstructed), but are a framework for establishing polarity (one of the three essential elements required to create a healthy, intimate relationship). You are also correct that if you have broken a major Rule (such as contacting him first) you are going to want to create some polarity and stick to the rules as strictly as you can in the meantime. But no, it doesn’t mean that you will never know if you were his type, nor that the relationship is doomed.
I think the bigger question here is how to create polarity, which requires more depth than I can go into here, but here are my thoughts for how to get started:
- Follow The Rules as closely as you can: you need to find the visceral feeling of polarity – the tension/attraction between you and a man – by learning to notice what makes it go away, and what makes it come back.
- Live into your feminine whenever you don’t have to be in your masculine: You need to be comfortable with yourself in your feminine, and love your feminine if you expect the masculine you attract to do the same. The two most attractive things about the feminine are feminine mystery and feminine radiance.
- Develop your radiance: spend time being in your 5 (6) senses – smell, touch, sound, sight, taste and intuition. Anything from savoring a piece of chocolate one flick of your tongue at a time, to wearing sensual fabrics.
- Develop your mystery: Learn to share appropriately – what things do you share with girlfriends, your mother, your siblings, you partner? What parts of you are for you alone? Remember when you feel ‘tempted’ that you are capable of holding the energy that you want to pour out of you, and the more you increase that capacity, the more whole you will feel.
- Use your masculine to care for yourself: A healthy masculine is required to have a healthy feminine. In other word use the masculine to get things done and provide a safe container for the feminine, not to have exert control over the chaos, feelings and parts of your feminine that scare you. The chaos needs to be expressed, but must be contained by the masculine to function in the world (you know: eating, sleeping, working and making money types of things).
All that being said, it is much more difficult to cultivate the polarity afterwards than to let it happen from the beginning. I want you to consider whether you make the decision to approach guys first because you don’t think they will approach you? Let The Rules prove to you that you are wrong! Then don’t ever forget it. You are lovable, desirable and fascinating, damnit!
Let me know how it goes!