How do I approach women in bars?

Dear Lisa,

I’m going on a road trip in a couple of days. I imagine we’ll be hitting some bars, pubs, etc., could you give me some tips on how to approach women and make them interested?

–Summer Love (♂ Duncan)


Dear Summer Love,

Thanks for your question, there are loads of men out there wondering the same thing. Before I give you my response though, I want to be clear that I don’t teach pick-up techniques; I leave that to the PUAs (Pick Up Artists) and focus more on teaching folks how to create connections with others and how to recognize the potential for longer term relationships. If the latter is what you are looking for, read on!

As usual, I’m going to contradict myself: PUAs have approach down to a science, and their findings are useful when it comes to the approach part, so I recommend that you follow some of their basic philosophy:

  1. Look good and don’t be afraid to rock an accessory that’s a little unusual – rad shoes, funky belt, beautiful ring, hand made piercing, eyeliner… something that not every dude in the place is wearing.
  2. Don’t hesitate – when you spot a woman who you find attractive, make eye contact and make your way over immediately.
  3. Obviously, confidence is the game changer here – it’s not really what you say, but how you say it. Remember, you’re on the road and you don’t know anyone, therefor you have nothing to lose and rejection isn’t going to kill you. (Although, it might be amusing if you made it seem like it did?)
  4. Say something a woman wants to hear, but doesn’t expect (from the book ‘Mode One’ by Alan Roger Currie) Pretty women expect to hear how beautiful they are, so avoid commenting on their looks – go for something that takes observation skills, like the fact that she’s left handed, or that she you didn’t see her standing there at first because she’s the only one who’s face isn’t lit up by their cell phone. Seriously, anything. Be light and witty, and smile. If she doesn’t bite, you can just laugh and apologize for trying such a cheeseball line – but your dating coach told you to try and get out of your box a little. Vulnerability and confidence are a deadly combo 😉

After you’ve got her talking, ask her genuine questions about what she’s chosen to talk to you about. If it’s the fact that she’s happy it’s the weekend after a long week of work, you might say ‘sounds like your work takes a lot of energy, what do you do?’ or if she says she’s with her friends for a girlfriend’s birthday, you could ask how old she’ll be, then where they met each other. Always aim to ask questions that require more than one word answers. After all, the point of making a connection (in my eyes) is twofold. First, you want to learn about the person and find out if they are the sort of individual you’d like to spend time with. Second, you want to be a light in another person’s day, regardless of your interest in them. Any guy can talk about himself, but most don’t know how to talk to a woman and really listen to what she’s saying beneath the words.

I’d love to hear how things go!

– Lisa



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