He’d rather read the news

Dear Lisa,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a little while now, and I’ve noticed a change in him. When he used to spend then night, or I would spend the night at his place, we would eat breakfast together, talk about what we were going to do that day and share a few sweet kisses as we watched the day brighten. He would even wait for my slower breakfast to be ready before he would pour the milk in his cereal to facilitate breakfast being ready at the same time!

Now though, he will grab his cereal, pour it, pour the milk in and start eating with the computer in front of him while scrolling through his newsfeed. I haven’t done anything differently – what’s the deal!?

–Breakfast For One ( ♀ )


 

Dear Breakfast For One,

You haven’t done anything specific to deserve what seems to be a horrible prospect – breakfast in silence while he reads the news every morning for the rest of your life. I do think that there might be a couple of things you might want to pay attention to.

First, have you lost site of what you enjoy at breakfast and focused too closely on where he sets his gaze?

It is likely that this has always been his breakfast routine, and now that you two have been co-habitating for a little while, he is comfortable enough to return to his natural behavior. In fact, most guys dream of being exactly who they are in the presence of their woman, so don’t make the mistake of thinking his breakfast solitude has anything to do with how much he likes being with you.

The funny thing that happens to you in this situation is that you will look at every behavior that neglects you more than before as a faltering of his love for you. The point though, is to notice that you are making up a story – that he would rather read the paper than talk to you about your respective days, or that he would rather sleep late than cuddle with you before you head to the gym in the morning, or that he would rather… no. For him, there is no ‘this or that’ there is only, ‘I want to do this now’.

Second, after a couple moves in together, the polarity can take a major nose dive. The cause? Too much random time together. When you lived apart, you likely planned and did things together and didn’t have the luxury of taking each other for granted. Now, do you spend almost all of the time you’re home together in one another’s presence? Try making sure that the time you do spend with him is quality time, where you are both focused on each other. If you are finding that’s not happening, make your exit (sans resentment) and occupy yourself elsewhere. Then the time you do spend together will be special, which might include breakfast.

Instead of imagining him changing (because you can never change him), consider his ability to go for what he wants in the moment permission to do the same. Go eat on the front porch next to your blooming rose bush, or snuggled up in bed where your feet are actually warm. I’ll bet it leads to more quality attention when you are together!

Let me know how it goes,

– Lisa

 


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