This is a bit of a long story, but I’m really confused and really don’t know where it went wrong.
I met a guy through an online dating app about a month ago. It turned out he lived just under 3 hours away in Seattle. We hit it off immediately! Soon after we were talking everyday about everything and nothing was off the table. Due to some personal issues he couldn’t come into Canada so we arranged for me to go to him. My rationalization was that, by the time I actually got to see him we would have been talking for just under a month via, text and phone and Facebook. Our phone conversations always lasted more than an hour to even up to 4 hours some nights. So I bought a ticket and he offered to pay 100 towards my travels in order for me to stay an extra night.
Everything was perfect in the relationship so far; I really had no complaints. If he didn’t text me back he would text me the next day. We were always in constant contact and had not gone more than 24 hours without speaking in some degree, even if it was to just check in. He would always say my texting didn’t bug him and that even if he wasn’t texting me he never forgets about me and I’m in his head.
The night before I got there he called me a little drunk told me he had dislocated his knee but that he would be fine. We ended up talking for 3 hours or so (even though he had to work early in the morning; he was insistent with talking to me, so we did.) One thing that stuck out from the conversation was that he said ” I like you so much, I’m so sorry, when I really like a girl I tend to be stand-offish or pull back because I don’t want her to know how much I like her and I really like you, so if I ever pull back don’t think it’s because I don’t like you.” Now I’m not sure what kind of man logic that is but it explained a few instances of his behaviour prior to this conversation, so I just took it as “drunk words, sober thoughts’.
I went to see him on Friday evening until Monday morning. The weekend was really good, I was introduced to his friends and went on double dates with a few of them (they already knew about me). Throughout the weekend he would tell me how gorgeous I was in person, how much more he liked me now that I was actually there, how cool I was. He said he would make phone calls and look into coming into Canada etc. So, I was taking this all as good things. He told me he wasn’t dating/really talking to anyone else and asked if I was to which I said no.
Of course there were bumps and awkward moments because I was just meeting him face to face for the first time and because I was there for four days, it wasn’t just one date – it’s more like 4 or 5 dates in one. The main difference between us was that he’s not an overly affectionate person. He mentioned that in his last relationship, especially the last two years of it they were more like room-mates and there was no affection or “like” and more so just buddies who got together when they were horny and he was a glorified babysitter for her daughter. So, he wasn’t used to being in “boyfriend mode” seeing as I was the first girl he had hung around with/ been genuinely interested in since his ex. However, he brought it up and said that it was something he would work on for me. I’m an affectionate person so more than once I felt like I was smothering him a bit but he said it was fine and even on the morning I left he was very affectionate for his standards. Holding me extra close and initiating kissing more than he did most of the weekend and telling me how much he liked my company and whatever else. So I saw that as a good thing. When I came home I told him that I had a great time with him and had no regrets and he said “me too :)” and that was monday morning, even tagged him in a status to which he liked.
SO my problem is that ever since I arrived back in Canada we haven’t really spoken. 6 texts from him in 3 days, 3 on monday morning (day I came home) and 3 on tuesday morning (initiated by me because he didn’t respond to my last ones on monday) Nothing today which is Wednesday, yet he’s able to not text me back but post a bunch of stuff on Facebook and he knows I can see it. I can’t help but feel something is different?
- Perhaps he’s not into me anymore all of a sudden. I though okay well
- we just spend these 4 days together and it might have been overwhelming and he needs some space. Which I’m giving him after not hearing back from him on tuesday I haven’t messaged him still.
- Maybe he’s doing what he said in that drunk conversation and pulling back and is freaked out a little
My friends tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt because he has never given me a reason not to trust him and wouldn’t have acted the way he did with me the morning I left or spent so much on me while I was there. But I don’t know what to think or how to feel because.. I constantly think about him but I just feel like he’s not thinking of me when he’s able to post all this stuff on Facebook and not take 2 seconds to just say hi to me.
–Overthinker ( ♀ Victoria)
I have to disagree with your friends. I think your intuition is spot on, that something has changed. From your email I can see that you are very adept at picking up on the subtleties of communication and you have a pretty strong intuitive sense of what is going on around you. Because of that, I think you feel exactly what’s going on. Sometimes though, people who are sensitive to subtleties also have a lot of emotions themselves, which get mixed into the situation and complicate the picture. I think that’s what is happening to you; it’s hard to know what belongs to him, what belongs to you and what to do about it. So, let’s un-muddy things.
You really like this guy, and you are hoping that he will turn out to be what he says he’s going to be, but from everything you described, I think you are seeing signs already that he isn’t quite up to the challenge. It sounds like you are ready to love someone, and relax your whole heart into a relationship. Unfortunately though, he’s made it pretty clear that he’s got some walls up and can’t bring his full self. Comments like ‘I have a habit of pulling away when I really like someone’ and ‘I’m not that affectionate, but I’ll work on it for you’ generally come from someone who is a little wounded or weary from his last relationship. He is likely saying this because he’s interested, but not quite enough to put in the effort he knows a relationship requires. What’s worse is that the relationship is starting out this way – huge red flag if he’s already making promises that he will be more of what you want in the future after the ‘first date’.
Another red flag is that you are feeling like you need to pick up the slack in the relationship to get what you need to feel loved, adored and treasured. This feeling comes from the insecurity a lot of women feel about a potential significant other who disappoints us. Its an easy trap to fall into: feeling like if you make him comfortable, and initiate in the relationship then he will come around and give you the love you need. It doesn’t work that way. The more you initiate, the more you go to him (I don’t know why he couldn’t cross the border, but I think you need to follow your intuition around that subject as well), the more you text, and call and justify his behavior, the more he will sink into himself. You’re right, you are worth more than a couple of shitty texts after a very intimate weekend and hours of travel.
So, my thought is that you’re what’s different. You’re back from a whirlwind weekend, you saw, you liked, you felt… and some part of you realized that you are not being matched by this man. My guess is that he can feel that too (and is a little ashamed or he wouldn’t be making promises about being a better man). My suggestion is you check out a book called The Rules, by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider, to get yourself started. Then, take some time to separate yourself from your relationship with him. Time away will help you to connect with what you really want in a relationship, and I have no doubt you will know exactly what to do next.
Feel free to clarify further in the comments if I haven’t responded to questions you feel are important in your decision making.