From texting overwhelm to total silence?

Dear Lisa,

I met a man on a dating site, he asked me for a date, which we had to plan pretty far in advance because he lives kind of far away. As it turned out, he had to cancel our coffee date because he couldn’t make it over, and then I had to go away for the weekend. Before I left, when we were trying to decide on a new rendez-vous, he said to text him when I’m home and up for a visit. Not ideal, but fine.

In the meantime, he was texting me numerous times a day, which I found quite overwhelming because we’d never even met. So I tried just responding once to his texts at the end of the day before I went to bed. Then I never heard from him again! Now, it’s been a week since he’s texted, and 4 days since I got back.

So I don’t know what to do – according to The Rules I should never text or contact him first. He didn’t text me while I was gone so should I just assume that this coffee meet up isn’t happening? I definitely don’t want to be the one to text first. How would a rules girl handle this situation?

–Holding the Ball ( ♀ Vancouver)


Dear Holding the Ball,

So lets get the facts on the table: You agreed to be the one to make contact with him when you got back. You didn’t text him back for one day, and then texted him that night. He didn’t text you while you were gone and never tried to make contact after he knew you were back. I completely understand where the confusion lies – You’re expected to get in touch with him to arrange this date, but his interest seems to have plummeted.

I wouldn’t text him. First because he completely stopped talking to you when you didn’t answer his texts for one day, which to me that indicates that he was enjoying how available you were to him, but probably isn’t going to pull out all the stops to try and make your rendez-vous happen. Second, the reason ‘The Rules’ recommends not texting or calling first – because women typically start to feel overly insecure the moment we throw the ball. I see no point in you questioning your worth for a guy who can’t handle setting up a date.

Sounds like I’m harshing on him, I know, but really? Guys, you cannot leave the ball in the lady’s court! It’s your ball. This is exactly what happens when you fumble it – you end up looking desperate by texting her all the time and it annoys her, then, when she stops texting, there you are, standing all alone without your ball.

So, Holding, in the end there are two potential scenarios: one, Mr. Next finds you, asks you for your number, calls you and gets a date with you pronto before you get snagged by some other guy with better form. Or, two, Mr. Text calls you up and cleverly asks you how your trip went like nothing happened and asks for a date. In either case, lesson learned: steer clear of men who leave their ball(s) in your court.

– Lisa



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