Finding a woman who doesn’t want children

Dear Lisa,

I was in a happy, mutually fulfilling marriage until last year, when my wife left me on account of the question of reproduction. You see, we entered the marriage with mutual promises never to have children; not then, not ever. And I took medical steps to ensure that fact, with my wife’s full support. But unbeknownst to me, slowly she started to change her preferences, and when they reached a crescendo, she decided that divorce and single-motherhood are preferable to a childless marriage. While I’m sorry to have seen our marriage collapse, I’ve moved on, bear no grudge against my former wife, and am emotionally enthused about reentering the dating pool.

So that’s the background. Now my question: dating itself is hard enough, but finding women who genuinely prefer childlessness is almost impossible. Do you have any suggestions for specialized dating sites or other venues for antinatalists (or at least, those who are repulsed by the idea of themselves becoming parents)? I have joined my city’s local “childless adults” club, but everyone there is already married. And I’m on good social terms with my coworkers, but well agree to disagree on the question of reproduction, whence social networking as a means of finding dating-prospects is essentially void.

–Arzamas70 (♂ Xenia)


Dear Arzamas70,

Not surprisingly, I receive a fair amount of messages from men who are looking for women who genuinely do not want to have children. Equally unsurprising, I don’t get messages like that from women (not to say they don’t exist, however). I chalk it up to how men and women hold their convictions – women, for the most part, speak about how they are feeling in the moment, and men, more or less, speak out loud only what they will most likely be feeling for the long haul. As an example, for myself, I don’t believe that having a child is an intellectual or cognitive choice like it might be for a man. My bodies urges are sometimes overwhelming, and become progressively more so as the proverbial clock ticks louder. Other times, I wouldn’t mind if it was my man and I alone for the rest of our lives. I am fairly certain that many women out there find themselves in the same position as your ex wife and are just as shocked as you were.

So, to indirectly answer to your question, meeting a woman who doesn’t want children now doesn’t mean that she never will, no matter which club she belongs to. Though it’s not easy to risk the same situation repeating itself, my suggestion is to find a woman who you love and who loves you, be honest with her and ask that she always be honest with you – even if/when she changes her mind about having children.
That being said, if you are set on finding a woman who definitely has the same values as you starting out, you might think about starting a FB group or a dating site… according to these folks it can be integrated into WordPress.

– Lisa



One Response to “Finding a woman who doesn’t want children”

  1. Happy Bunny

    I am a woman. 30. Do not want children. I am facing the same question, finding a man who does not want children. I changed my mind from wating them to not. This comes with learning more about myself and thinking of the lifestyle I want to lead. I picture cocktails when ever I fancy it. Lay ins if I want to. Travel, holidays and adventures at the drop of a hat if I want when I want.

    I would be an awesome mother, I like children. I just can’t see it fitting into the way I want my life to go.
    Some people call this selfish. Which I don’t understand. Like people who don’t want children are depriving the world and human race.

    Not many people understand it.


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