Do I give him another chance?

Dear Lisa,

My marriage ended last September (2016), my ex-husband broke up with me. We were together during 8 years (5 years of dating and engagement and 3 years marriage). The reason he broke up was because I could not trust on him. Well, before we get married, he cheated on me, and I found out. Even though I thought I could handle everything, I couldn’t. I was freaking out. We were always having the same problems, despite he tried to make things work, I could not really let it go. And I was quite crazy, like I was looking for hairs of other woman in the house, even checking his phone or being jealous about my own girl friends. After the break up, I tried to get him back for months. I tried everything, I made sweet and cute stuff. I started therapy to try improve this emotional dependence. Nothing worked. He rejected me so badly. I felt really down.

Then I push myself and started to move on. Well, I rebuilt my confidence (the therapy helped a lot) and I started dating a new guy, he is a really sweet, and I trust on him. I don’t feel jealous, it is simple and it works. Well, when everything was getting good, and I got my peace back, the last thing I was expecting happened, my ex came back and ask to try again. I still love him, but I’m not sure I can handle all the things we came through. Mainly the fact that after 3 weeks separated he started dating other girl, even while we were living together. I was completely destroyed. Now, I have feelings for the new guy, but I can’t compare (I mean I love my ex-husband). However, with the new guy I have only good and positive memories. Now, my ex-husband is saying he found out how our marriage is important, and talk about family and so on. I feel divided and I asked the other guy a time to organise my feelings because I am so confused. The chemistry with new guy is so good, we have great time together and he is willing to start a serious relationship. Only thing he is quite young (6 years younger than me), I have 27.

In addition, I am doing my PhD, and that’s really demanding and all this emotional drama makes my productivity decrease. And I’m living abroad, so I don’t know how far can this new relationship goes further. Considering only the present I can say the new relationship is healthier and brings me peace. But I feel I can’t evaluate it for a long period, the guy is so young and I might go back to my country. We will have an ocean separating us.

Well, just today I decided to stay alone to meditate and decide my future. So, I really would like to receive some advices, I feel completely lost. I love my ex, but I don’t know if the best to me is to try again, actually I think move on is the best. And I have feelings to the new guy, I like him a lot. So, my mind and my heart are having a collapse. And even my heart is quite divided, but I know I like more my ex-husband, but not sure if we can make it work. Therefore, Should I give a chance to my ex-husband and try to make things work again? or Should I move on?

Thank you for your advice.

–Amora ( ♀ )


 

Dear Amora,

Thanks for your question. The sense of being caught between two possible futures is difficult for the heart and head to agree on. Before you sit down and make a decision, consider that there is more to the equation than just these two guys. There is you, of course, and when it comes to what you do with your heart, another option is neither. It is okay to take the time to refocus on what your purpose is here (I am imagining that is your thesis) and let the other things sit for a while. Time (sometimes even short periods) almost always clarifies confusion.

That being said, I don’t mind weighing in with my opinion on the choices you’ve laid out!

With regards to getting back together with your ex, from what you’ve said about your him and the cheating and the quick turnaround toward another woman after the relationship ended, he needs to address his coping skills before you can have a relationship, much less a marriage. He needs to be aware of what drives him to other women rather than communicating to solve the problems in front of him. He needs to find a reliable means of manage this drive. How can you trust him otherwise? I would imagine that you would both benefit from marriage counselling as well.

As for staying with the younger guy, you’re brought up a lot of good points about why it might not work, all of them important considerations. However, future thinking is counterproductive: it stops both of you from being able to open up to what is happening in the moment by creating assumptions that may never become reality. If you are going to continue having a relationship, cultivate the mindset that you be as open with each other as you can, right now, and what will be will be.

The reality is that there is no right answer to what you should do. Whichever future you choose will have positive and negative consequences, will grow you as a person and will open and close opportunities. Give yourself some time to let your heart and mind come together without reasoning it through.

I’d love to hear what decision you come to. Take care of yourself,

– Lisa

 


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