Did I pick the wrong guy

Dear Lisa,

I was dating my boyfriend for about 2 years and while in college, then I met someone else while still in the relationship. Me and this other guy were texting and talking and we would see each other on campus sometimes. I started to really like him. After a while I found myself trying to get my boyfriend to break up with me. This went on for about 2 months. I started to really, really like this other guy. I think that I was just making problems in my relationship so that I could be with him.

After 3 months of arguing, me and my boyfriend broke up. Now me and this other guy are really seeing each other like everyday. After being together a few months. I find myself thinking about my ex continuously. I would cry every time I did. We never really got closure. I know that my ex still loves me and I love him. I don’t know who I really want to be with. I think I want to be back with my ex but I don’t know if it will ever be the same.

I’m really confused and don’t know what to do. I contacted my ex about 3 months after breaking up and shared my feelings. He said that we could hang out sometime and get to know each other all over again but I’m now dating this other guy. I don’t want anyone to get hurt but I really need help with this situation.

–Ny ( ♀ )


Dear Ny,

Thank you for your question. You are showing a lot of integrity by taking responsibility for what happened, and looking for a better way to move forward.

From your question, I get the sense that you are becoming aware of a commonly ignored reality of love: that you aren’t the only one in the relationship. A super painful realization to come to: you made some selfish decisions and did what made you happy regardless of the effect it had on your (now) ex boyfriend, and your new guy. The result: the excitement has faded along with your happiness, and now you’re stuck.

As you’ve probably realized, going forward, you will feel a lot better about who you are if you seriously consider the effect that your future decisions have on yourself AND everyone involved. Try starting with the question: what is the best possible outcome for every person in this situation (and by best, I don’t mean that it makes anyone “happy”, as you’ve already noticed, happiness is fleeting.) Rather, you need to consider what is in all of your best interest.

For example, is it in your best interest to go from your ex boyfriend, to this new guy, and then right back into the arms of your ex again? Would it be beneficial for you to take some time to identify what it is you are running from, or toward? If you examine these patterns carefully and figure out how to manage your needs with more integrity, you will avoid making the same mistakes, and hurting others.

Since I don’t know a lot about them, what do you think is in your ex’s best interest? Or the new guy’s? Feel free to brainstorm some ideas and send them to me, or put them in the comments. This is a great start to better decisions in the future.

– Lisa



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