Could we have an open relationship?

Dear Lisa,

I have been in a relationship for a little more than a year. I do LOVE my girlfriend, but I’m still a man. Sex – over a year into the relationship is outstanding… at times she initiates sex with me – fun. She tells me that I make her feel SO good. She is LOUD in the bedroom.

But, I’m still a man! All the way through our relationship I’ve been an insatiable flirt with other women, and I enjoy the attention of the young and attractive women who flirt who with me (some have even invited me over for dinner!). If I want to, I can hook up with these girls, whenever. And part of me wants to…naturally.

As far as I understand, in the old days, masculine men, warriors and top hunters would have many partners. Today, cultural and social norms are in favor of monotony at least in North America. I want to know, can I have my and cake and eat it too? I don’t think my woman is keen on sharing the cake… or putting a different flavor on the same plate…

–Mr. Antoinette (♂ Victoria)


Dear Mr. Antoinette,

It is completely natural for any human to crave the attention of the opposite sex. I believe, actually, that sophisticated attention from the opposite sex is not just a desire, but a basic need in the same way as love. I am also of the opinion that flirtation with a man or a woman outside of the relationship is more than just good for the individual, but it benefits the couple. Unless it doesn’t. If it doesn’t benefit the couple, as in fulfill you and her and bring you closer to oneness together, then it’s bullshit. It’s happening because something else isn’t (Okay, grossly cryptic, but the paragraph is too long as it is.)

What I mean is that you seem happy on the surface. Underneath that I think you are unfulfilled – not that your girlfriend isn’t fulfilling you… but that you are unfulfilled by your relationship with her. My guess is that you’re bored with people (your woman) accepting this certain way you are willing to be seen (maybe the same goes for here, I can’t say) but that you really aren’t going to be satisfied by a woman (or even many if that is what you choose) until she (or they) don’t let you get away with not showing her the rest. You are sneaky! It feels good to come across the way you want to. But some part of you knows that’s only half as good as totally losing control of where things are going, who you are, what people think and landing with your head at her breast and your fingers reaching for what will bring you into utter-f*cking-union. Maybe you can get there with her, maybe you can’t; but you won’t be ‘happy’ till you do.

Then I was thinking about how you aren’t quite convinced that ‘monotony’, as you called it, isn’t really the way to go. Maybe before you can really bare everything you need to be even more successful at mastering yourself… till you’re sick of it (or until it’s your truth, either way). That always works for me, I like to do things I expect aren’t really working until I can’t even handle it anymore or it gives me the insight it was meant to bring me. Maybe if she won’t go for the ‘I want an open relationship’ thing, she would accept taking a break? But then, if she did, and my guess was true above, you would probably find her to be too willing, too accommodating to this persona you hold up and you wouldn’t get back together anyway. Actually, I think if she let you bring someone else into your relationship you might feel the same way about her (and the other women) and get bored. Unless they both told you to drop the bullshit and be real with them. That could work.

Lastly, and somewhat related: you listed all of the ways that your girlfriend is being fulfilled in bed, but none of the ways you are. I really hear that it is important for you to hear her expressing her pleasure, but not much else! I wonder if you just left out what really pleases you without realizing it, or if the sex is boring for you. If you’re leaning toward the latter, I think a lot of men, especially before they’re able to risk failing at bringing their full self before her, are under the impression that they are doing a good job in bed if the woman is orgasmic and fulfilled. In reality though, good sex means that both partners are fulfilled; as in, there is NOTHING between them, both people are fully there and are ONE.

If this doesn’t resonate, let me know. I’d be happy to give it a do-over with a little more info. If it does, I hope to hear what happened!

– Lisa



One Response to “Could we have an open relationship?”

  1. Janet

    Ohhh, good one, Lisa!

    And now I have some questions, too! Is Mr. Antoinette willing to let his gf have her cake and eat it, too? He talks about his own excitement and opportunity… it goes both ways, sir. In fact, it’s EASIER for women to find a flirtatious and doting partner willing to do some pleasing (in my opinion). How does it FEEL to imagine her off with someone else, and are you willing to endure the trade-off… knowing that your sexcapades come at the cost of her having hers, too?

    #highfives to you Lisa, for emphasizing that both partners deserve to be fulfilled and that the goal in a long-term, intimate relationship ought to be unity. If it isn’t there, maybe it’s worth asking if you even have the capacity and willingness to be VULNERABLE enough to allow it to happen… with this gf… or any other woman.



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