Common Courtesy

Dear Lisa,

When I make a date with a woman, I attempt to do it in person. If not in person, then I’ll ask over the phone, at the very least. Every now and then, in a world as fast paced as ours, things come up; people cancel plans. It happens. If I make an effort to make plans in person, then I also cancel them in the same way.

Recently, a girl cancelled our date over a text message. My response was… well… do nothing. I find it a little disrespectful to communicate a cancellation, or in this particular case a request for postponement without offering a replacement date over a text message. What is a man to do? My gut says look elsewhere, move on… get another date with another woman.

Any advice?

–Common Courtesy (♂ )


Dear Common Courtesy,

In my opinion, the foundation of a relationship is built on shared values. In fact, I hear many stories from folks who feel that their biggest regret in a past relationship is compromising their values because it seemed to, in one way or another, be part of why the relationship ended. Clearly, courtesy and respect are high on your list, and perhaps the ability to face difficult moments with courage.

I will always suggest you follow your instincts, because even if its urges lead you astray, you will be deepening your relationship with how you make decisions. That being said, it is important for the process of developing trust in yourself to notice the underlying current of your gut feelings. Are there other ways that you feel the disparity between your respective values? Is this something that has happened to you in other relationships? Are you realizing something in your relationship that just doesn’t work for you, and this is a way to end it? All of these are perfectly good reasons for you intuition to be alerted.

Another thing to think about might be your desire to be right in this situation. It hurts to be stood up, and even moreso when there is no apparent reason. Your reaction to how she went about it might be coloured by how much it hurts, causing you to jump to conclusions. You never know what is going on for an other person until you ask (not that I’m suggesting you make up excuses for her), but there might be extenuating circumstances around your date, where she wasn’t in a place to be as courteous as she might have otherwise been.

If you are interested in continuing a relationship with this woman, ask her for another date. If the opportunity presents itself, let her know that next time, you’d love a quick call rather than a text to cancel. An honest conversation might make it clear to both of you how much you would like to invest.

– Lisa



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