Better known as ‘Don’t talk to a man first (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)’, rule number two is where the angst begins. And Ellen & Sherrie know it!
‘We know what you’re thinking: We know how extreme such a rule must sound, not to mention snobbish, silly & painful [and completely subservient, anti feminist, weak, etc. etc.!!]; but taken in the context of The Rules, it makes perfect sense. After all, the premise of The Rules is that we never make anything happen, that we trust in the natural order of things – namely, that man pursues woman.‘ The Rules p.26
What they say is true but a bit confusing because they use man as a synonym for masculine, and woman as a synonym for feminine. Let’s change the last sentence to ‘… we trust in the natural order of things – namely, that masculine pursues feminine.’ This way, if you like to be the masculine in your relationship then of course you would pursue; talk to him first or ask him to dance! If you like to be the feminine, then you wouldn’t. Yes?
To be more clear, The Rules is written for women with a feminine essence. It still works for women who are masculine – you just do the opposite of what they say. First on the agenda then…
What’s Your essence preference?
Let’s say you are a feminine woman. You prefer reveling in the mystery we talked about in rule number one – feeling the laughter, compassion, empathy, sadness, rage, jealousy, joy, power and sensuality as they roll through you like waves rather than spending time honing your approach and risking it all to get what you want. In a more basic sense, you would rather ‘be’ than ‘do’.
There is a difference between this preference (or your essence) and your function. You are a feminine woman post feminism: you can be an entrepreneur, a single mother and a girlfriend all at the same time, and a lot of times, you have to. Also, you’ve been doing this for a long time, so you feel comfortable, maybe even more comfortable ‘doing’ than you might ‘being’ (a lot of feminine women don’t even remember how to ‘be’!) But all of that time spent using the masculine doesn’t automagically give you a masculine essence.
It’s a little confusing, so let’s take an example: I can’t tell you how many long term single women have said to me ‘one day I’m going to get up the nerve to approach a guy, you know, get out of my comfort zone.’ Sounds pretty harmless… if it weren’t for this ‘should’ lingering at the back of their throat. Deep in there is the fact that they are modern women who feels that because they have equal rights now they should exercise them. Or maybe it just won’t happen. And it’s true, you could go and seduce a beautiful man if you want. Every one of us have the ability… but do you really want to, or is that you think you should?
Ask yourself: would you prefer to seduce the man yourself, or would you prefer that this beautiful man get up the gumption to risk rejection and anything else he fears to ask if he could see you sometime as you as you glow radiantly, surrounded by your closest girls? If you are a woman with a feminine essence, your answer is: the latter.
Why does it matter so much that the masculine pursue the feminine?
Here is the metaphor that comes to my mind: A man realizes that he needs to hunt to live. So, he goes out and gets himself the tools – the clothing, the gun, the hat. He goes out and gives hunting a try. It’s harder than he thought; he needs to go hunting more. He had no idea how much patience and stamina it takes just waiting for the right moment. He needs to practice getting close enough to the deer to train his site on it, before he can make a clear shot. And even after much practice, he misses, watching the tail mock him has the dear bolts from his sight. It takes hours of preparation, practice, silence, will and self motivation to be able to finally feed himself.
As you’ve probably gathered, the hunter is the masculine. The deer is the feminine and also the love that the masculine needs to live. The clothes: the hat and the gun represent what the masculine must master to be able to find love.
Now imagine if the man went to all the work – poured everything he had into refining himself to the point where he can shoot the deer. After sitting, waiting in silence for hours, he gets the deer in his sights and … just then something nudges his arm. He turns and there is a beautiful deer, which, out of nowhere, lays down on the ground, bearing its heart so that he may take his shot.
So, he does. Of course he does. To return to the masculine / feminine example: this incredibly beautiful woman stands before him and asks him if he would like some love. He looks for the other woman but she has gone by now. He sees no difference really and says yes.
It seems like there is no difference but this whole process has emasculated him. He let himself be distracted, then he took something that he felt he hadn’t earned. His masculine still hasn’t been challenged and depending on how the rest of the relationship goes, he will always feel that. The masculine strives with purpose, and it is the striving more than the achieving that satisfies his soul.
When the masculine doesn’t conquer the feminine, he does not feel that she is truly his; that he has earned her. Not only that but the feminine does not feel secure to completely ‘be love’ unless she is conquered. She will feel insecure and unable to fully relax the walls around her heart until she is conquered.
So, how does that look in a relationship?
If you are a feminine woman, looking for a masculine man and you initiate, a man who is centered in his masculinity will politely decline. The man who does accept will ‘probably be flattered that you asked and dance with you just to be polite and he might even want to have sex with you that night, but he won’t be crazy for you.’ (The Rules p.30) And if it did turn into something more, he’d likely have a hard time being the kind of masculine you need (the first sign is that he likes to be pursued). Because of this, he won’t be able to conquer you – make you feel secure, protected and supported in everything you do. You will feel like he’s flimsy, unable to be there when you really need him, incapable of protecting you as you grow into your deepest depths of femininity.
So, because he has never conquered you, you aren’t able to relax. And what do women do when we can’t relax? We start to control anything we can get our hands on in order to feel safe: our work, our parters, our kids, the finances, the cleaning schedule, what we eat, what our partners eat, the freaking parking spot. We take over everything within our reach to provide ourselves with safety, security, protection and support. And this man, who was preparing to shoot some other deer, does not know what the hell is happening.
You want him to ‘man up’, take some responsibility, stop acting like your children, do something in bed besides humping…but the fact is he can’t. He can’t because you and your liberated masculine are standing in his way. He needs to feel the crumbling apart of the world if he doesn’t keep it together in order to know what he is responsible for. It is for this reason that most relationships don’t survive the re-inversion of polarity.
If he initiate though, you feel safe, secure, protected & supported. You will know where his feelings are at for you. You will know that he’s willing to work for you or he would have picked someone else. You can feel him working to keep you because he makes decisions that are best for both of you, he showing you his affections and his deep squishy bits that he generally keeps under wraps. Most of all you can feel a stability that you can lean on while you expand and grow as a woman and he is attracted to you more with every step. And even when you have moments of insecurity or fear, he picks up on it and steps in, supporting you even more.
The Bottom Line
The bottom line is that when you go against the laws of nature, then you don’t get what you really want. When you pick a man, you get him exactly the way he is. You find that when you express yourself fully he pulls away, or he treats you badly. Then you feel like you can’t express yourself fully without the fear he will leave or get pissed off and you become a bitter shell of the woman you truly are.
When you sit tight though, set your standards, be a creature unlike any other and he picks you, he is fully aware of what ‘being with you’ entails. He shows you that he is willing to do whatever he has to do be with you. He loves you and honours you at your worst, just as much as at your best. And you know he will keep working to be with you.
This rule creates the circumstances right off the bat that honour both the laws of nature and the ritual of the hunt. It provides the masculine the challenge he craves and gives you the space to fill the depths of your mystery and femininity.
Oh, and one more thought on the idea that it might not happen if you don’t ‘man up’ and do it yourself. It’s not true. The law is that the masculine pursues the feminine. therefore if you connect to your feminine and get even a moderate level of comfortable with it, the masculine will notice. It will happen. There isn’t a masculine man out there who can resist the radiance of the feminine. If you don’t believe me pretend like you do!
Then, experiment with this; with your function and your essence. Notice when you are doing what you ‘should’ rather than being who you are. Align with your heart and be who you feel most deeply connected to, regardless of how uncomfortable it is at first.
Return to The Rules Deconstructed