Rule #1: Honour the Mystery

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Sherrie and Ellen mention in the introductory chapters of ‘The Rules’ that the rules are in the order they are for a reason. As such, rule #1 starts at the very crux of relationships: ‘Be A Creature Unlike Any Other’, in other words: Love and accept yourself just the way you are & don’t try and be anything you aren’t. Funny enough, it’s the easiest and most common rule we break as women AND men… see how this could go either way:

‘You don’t have to do anything more on the date than show up. He’ll either love you or not. It’s not your fault that he doesn’t call again. You’re beautiful inside and out Someone else will love you if he doesn’t.’ – The Rules by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

Which leads one to ask what is specifically feminine about this rule? Well… mystery.

But before we get to that, we need to touch on the second unofficial premise of the book which is that ‘This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!‘ It sounds like they are saying ‘manipulate and lie until you get what you deserve.’ which is horrible. But you have to do it. If you don’t believe you are totally dateable, marriable, loveable, sexable as you are, it is going to do you far more good to lie and tell yourself that you are, than lie and tell yourself that you aren’t. Okay. Back to mystery…


Not only are women different from men in all of the obvious ways, but we are also sort of baffling. You see, the masculine derive their sense of direction and purpose from silence. Stillness. Nothingness. Therefore, it is amazing to them, how out of the chaos of our changing emotions, moods, rapid fire ideas and hopes and dreams and sometimes a good deal of chit chat… comes direction and purpose. It’s something they can never understand.

And this is what the first rule is about. It is about fully embracing how YOU express YOUR feminine. It is honouring the mystery in yourself, feeling the emotions you feel, the insecurity, the empowerment, the hormones… what looks from the outside like insanity. It is OWNING yourself as a woman without making excuses or trying to cover it up or hiding it. You’re a fiery red head who feels better when she slams cupboards? Own it. A curly haired nightmare on two feet who has a penchant for the truth? Own it. An intensely focused business woman who happens to get her information from somewhere deep inside? Own it. A sweet and caring mother who can hold down a pack of screaming kids with just the right look but has no desire to do the same thing at work? Own it. It’s only when the masculine sees that we are comfortable sitting amidst all of this mystery and making our own sense of it that they can comfortably take their rightful place by our sides.

When you downplay, or deny the feminine mystery, disrespect or outwardly complain about or hate it, you are no longer THE feminine. You are depolarized, neutral. It is the same as when a man becomes apathetic with his purpose and drowns it out with every distraction around, refusing to listen in silence to the directness of his nature. That’s not hot! He’s neutral.

This is why ‘be a creature unlike any other’ is the first rule. You must fall in love with and honour your femininity to attract the masculine. Otherwise you end up with men you can walk on, or who treat you like a buddy, or who treat you like your treat yourself and dishonour your femininity in the same way – running out of the room when you get emotional, telling you to calm down or be rational.

That’s it ladies. It’s such a simple rule, yet so, so easy to break. There is no one stopping you from hating yourself and the feminine mystery and pretending you don’t. There is no easy way to stop either. Only the slow building of trust that you are exactly how you need to be and that there is a man (or woman) out there who’s going to love you for all of the mystery you’ve got, understand it or not. Next week… Rule #2 The Deer Must Always Run from the Hunter.

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3 Responses to “Rule #1: Honour the Mystery”

  1. Erica

    Well articulated. I fully agree Lisa. While the rules are a good guide line, it’s easy to get caught up in acting out the rules “perfectly” thus not fully relaxing into the feminine and the real “you/me”

    • Lisa Haché-Maguire

      That is a great way of putting it E. It is so easy to get caught up in perfection!

  2. Holly

    Interesting! I’ve not yet read The Rules (note that I say ‘yet’) and this post has me more curious about it. My impression based on others’ perceptions was that it was a couple of privileged and opinionated women who had no idea what they were talking about, writing yet another self-help book to either collect dust or bring about conversation. I’m grateful for the conversation. On to read your examination of Rule #2! Note to Erica, thank you for the reminder to “relax into the feminine”.


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